Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
