the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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