I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
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