The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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