Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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