Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
