She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
