what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
