a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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