We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Randomize
