Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I puked a lego.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
