the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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