I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
