Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
we're so committed to being not committed
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
