Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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