11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i barfeds in our rink
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Randomize
