He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I wish there were birth control emojis
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
