I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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