Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
