Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
My life is pants optional.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
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