no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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