I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
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