The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
