Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
