There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
