Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
