just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
