respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
