I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
