Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
