Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
