Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
