I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize