haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
