So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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