just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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