So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
