i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
bring money and cleavage
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Randomize
