That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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