lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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