Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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