I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
