Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
