how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
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