Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Randomize
