Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
