this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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