I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
