I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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