Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
