I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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