and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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