Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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