I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
