So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
