We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
