Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize