you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
