Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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