Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
