need another drink. this is the easiest way
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
