My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
